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BoJack Horseman/Quotes
Season One ''BoJack Horseman: The BoJack Horseman Story, Chapter One'' : BoJack: I parked in a handicapped spot, I hope that's okay. : ''Charlie Rose: You parked in a—?'' : BoJack: I'm sorry, disabled spot. Is that the''—''proper''—''nomenclature? : ''Charlie Rose: Maybe you should move the car.'' : BoJack: No, I don't think I should drive right now. I'm-I'm incredibly drunk. : ''Charlie Rose: You're telling me that you're drunk right now?'' : BoJack : Is it just me, or am I nailing this interview? I kind of feel like I'm nailing it. ---- : BoJack: Charlie, listen, y'know, I know that it's very hip these days to shit all over Horsin' Around, but at the time, I can tell you—Is it okay to say "shit?" : ''Charlie Rose: Please don't.'' : BoJack: 'Cause I—I think the show's actually pretty solid for what it is. It's not Ibsen, sure—but look, for a lot of people, life is just one long, hard kick in the urethra. And sometimes, when you get home from a long day of getting kicked in the urethra, you just want to watch a show about good, likeable people who love each other. Where, y'know, no matter what happens, at the end of 30 minutes... everything's gonna turn out okay. Y'know, because in real life... Did I already say the thing about the urethra? ---- : BoJack: You sleep on my couch and you don't pay rent. I've had tapeworms that are less parasitic. I don't even remember why I let you stay with me in the first place. ---- : BoJack: "Neigh way, Jose!" I improvised that line. I mean, it was scripted, but I gave it the ol' BoJack spin. ---- : ''Todd: Are you drunk?'' : BoJack: Todd, I weigh 1200 pounds. It takes a lot of beer to get me drunk. out to reveal multiple empty bottles and cans of alcohol :BoJack: Yes. ---- : ''Princess Carolyn: So, are you available for Tuesday, or are you gonna be too busy masturbating to old pictures of yourself?'' : BoJack: I told you, that's not what was happening that time. I was masturbating to what the picture represented! You walked in at the worst possible moment. ---- :BoJack: Mr. Peanutbutter He's so stupid he doesn’t realize how miserable he should be. I envy that. ---- : BoJack: I'm responsible for my own happiness? I can't even be responsible for my own breakfast! : a flashback, BoJack is shown trying to pour cereal into a bowl. Only a few pieces come out at first, but then all of it comes out, overflowing onto the table. : BoJack: groaning Todd! I need help! ''BoJack Hates The Troops'' : BoJack: Maybe because you're skinny and maybe 'cause you're pretty, you're used to getting away with things! But I want you to know that your actions have an effect on others, and I hate you! And you are a horrible person! And you not understanding that you're a horrible person doesn't make you less of a horrible person! ---- : BoJack: Oh, not the sneezing pic—Why do they always use the sneezing picture?! ---- :BoJack: You left them totally out in the open! That’s hiding? How did you survive in Afghanistan?! ---- : BoJack: Yes, I ate all the muffins, because I have no self-control and I hate myself! ---- :BoJack: Yeah, there were exactly 12! I ate 12 muffins, and I didn't even want one! There's your goddamn news story, the mystery of my missing goddamn self-respect! ---- :BoJack: I don't agree to that. Maybe some of the troops are heroes, but not automatically. I'm sure a lot of the troops are jerks. Most people are jerks already, and it's not like giving a jerk a gun and telling him it's okay to kill people suddenly turns that jerk into a hero. : ''Tom: What? Did you just say that the troops are jerks?'' : BoJack: ...Oh, you took that the bad way, didn't you? ---- : BoJack: You're a hero. The troops are all heroes, every single one. : ''Neal: Great.'' : BoJack: And I don't believe saying that cheapens the word and actually disrespects those we mean to honor by turning real people into political pawns. Also, I am not deeply ambivalent about a seemingly mandated celebration of our military by a nation that claims to value peace telling our children that violence is never the answer while refusing to hold our own government to the same standard. : Furthermore, I do not find it unbelievably appropriate that this conversation is taking place on reality television, a genre which thrives on chopping the complexities of our era into easily digestible chunks of empty catchphrases. ---- :BoJack: Okay, full truth, here we go. You want to know about my parents? They drank a lot. My father was a failed novelist. My mother was the heiress to the Sugarman sugar cubes fortune, and my dad resented her for it. He used to make me cry with him while listening to Cole Porter records. He made me build my own tree house, and then he tore it down while I was at summer camp because instead of hearty, Christian nails, I used screws, which he called fancy Jew nails. Like I said, totally normal. ---- ---- ''Prickly-Muffin'' Around Set :BoJack: (as the Horse) Whooooo wants chocolate chip pancakes?! ---- :BoJack: Hey, you see those people? :Young Sarah Lynn: Yeah. :BoJack: Well, those boobs and jerk wads are the best friends you'll ever have. Without them, you're nothing. Remember that. :Crew member: (offscreen) Let’s take it back to "prickly-muffin." :BoJack: Your family will never understand you, your lovers will leave you or try to change you, but your fans, you be good to them, and they'll be good to you. :Crew member:(offscreen) We are rolling. Sound speed. :BoJack: The most important thing is, you got to give the people what they want, even if it kills you, even if it empties you out until there's nothing left to empty. No matter what happens, no matter how much it hurts, you don't stop dancing, and you don't stop smiling, and you give those people what they want. :Crew member: (offscreen) Action! :BoJack: (as the Horse) Why aren’t you dressed for school, prickly-muffin? ---- :BoJack: Yeah, it's me, straight off your TV screens and into your shitty lives! ---- ---- Season Two Yesterdayland :BoJack: Slap my salami, the guy's a commie. ---- ---- Still Broken :BoJack: I'm sorry I accused you of murder, American TV legend Henry Winkler. ---- ---- The Shot :BoJack: I don't cry in front of other people. ---- ---- Season Three Start Spreading The News :BoJack: Why did you say the thing about the boat? :''Heather: I don't know, I was being sexy. You okay?'' :BoJack: Just forget it. You ruined it. :''Heather: You want to talk about it?'' :BoJack: There's nothing to talk about. It was a misunderstanding, that's all. She just walked in at the worst possible... It- It wasn't my fault, right? :''Heather: I don't know what you're talking about.'' :BoJack: On the boat, there was a girl. :''Heather: What?'' :BoJack: In New Mexico. And she trusted me. I keep asking myself if her mother didn't walk in, would I have done it? And part of me is sure that I- I couldn't... but another part knows that's a lie. How do you make something right when you've made it so wrong you can never go back? ---- ---- Season Four Season Five Category:Quotes Category:Quote Pages in need of quotes